Chaotic Mourning

 We had reached an equilibrium, he and I. It wasn't perfect, but the Boy and I had a schedule. Breakfast with cartoons, playtime, nap time (for him, too!), cooking Daddy's supper together, family time, and bed time. I knew when Baby Brother comes, this would all change and throw us into a period of chaos. I have prepared myself for that eventuality. What I didn't realize was how soon the chaos would come upon us. I thought we'd have our normal, a crazy hospital stay, and THEN the chaos. How could there be chaos when there's no tiny, Hulk baby to make the world turn upside down yet? Ah, but the force is strong with this one. (Yes, I mixed universes, get over it.) Tiny, Hulk-baby-in-utero wanted to make sure no one forgot he's coming soon, and so, Mommy got put on bed rest. Now, suddenly, in the span of an afternoon, nothing's the same... But all seemed the same... Except that Mommy has to nap a lot (this is my devastated face). It's the same schedule, but with grandmas here to help. What could be more fun?

But after the 50th, "Mommy, where are you?" and the 100th screaming fit when I left the room (I had to potty...again), and the 500th defiance to "obey," it's become quite clear that something's not the same. The Boy can sense a disturbance within the force (I'm really not a Star Wars fan, I promise). And as I asked myself what am I doing wrong, I was made to realize, "something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm playing by the rules of someone else's game." (Ok, I'll stop.)

But seriously, all theatrical references aside, Mommy's no longer in control... And while that's not a bad thing, perhaps it's good for both of us to have that experience right now, it still means chaos. Because in Boy-world, if Mommy's not in control, who is? And in Mommy-world, if I can't get our act together now, how on earth will I know which way is up when there's two of them (there's gonna be TWO of them!)?

Today, I failed at controlling the chaos. And then I realized that's what it is: chaos. Sooner than I expected, prepared for, but here nonetheless. I've been mourning the loss of normal, or the arrival of chaos, or chaotically mourning, or just having a chaotic morning. Who knows?! Time to embrace it.

And THEN, I'll get to embrace that squishy, 'little' Hulk-baby, and teach him how to upset Daddy with misguided geekdom references. I had the order backwards, but that's chaos for you.